Kilometer Zero (Trans. by Johanna Hanink)

When we say “Kilometer 35, Athens-Lamia,” just where are we measuring from? From the city center, obviously, but from where exactly?

That’s how our friend Thanasis started off a conversation—the sort that usually fizzles out pretty quickly. But Thanasis was insistent. Once the dispute over Omonia versus Syntagma had been cleared up (revealing, in the process, who among us was truly clueless), the inquiry proceeded to the next stage, which was also the more interesting. From Syntagma, yes, but from where? From the steps? The fountain? The metro? The lawn? Where?

He began recounting his adventure to us. “This morning, I was looking into the International Bureau of Weights and Measures. I spoke to the Greek branch of the General Conference on Weights and Measures, which is headquartered outside of Paris with all of its expert metrologists. ‘Μέτρῳ χρω’, ‘Use measure’, their seal says, in Greek! But what about us Greeks? Don’t we get anything? Is it always about the foreigners? Then I called the Ministry of Commerce, at the General Secretariat for Commerce’s Office for Periodic Inspection of Weights and Measures:

“‘We’re not in charge of that, sir, we oversee weighing and measuring instruments meant for commercial, not scientific or laboratory, use.’

“‘Then you can go to hell!’

“Next I called the traffic police. Automated response … ‘For license plate confiscation and return, press 1. For towing, press 2. For moped license issuance, press 3. For traffic incidents, press 4.’ When I managed to get through to someone, I shouted at him: ‘Hey, pal, has Greece signed the treaty of 1875: yes or no?’

“‘It’s the Region of Attica that handles kilometer distances, sir, not us,’ ‘the Ministry of Transport, Infrastructure and Networks’, ‘the Department of Public Works’.”

He had spent the entire morning on the phone, asking about Kilometer Zero. As was to be expected, each person handed him off to another, sending him on somewhere else just to get rid of him. Traffic, Ministry of Transportation, from Annas to Caiaphas. At first, he spoke to them calmly, but eventually he became incensed in his mission: “Other cities, from ancient Rome and Constantinople with their Golden Milestones, to places from modern-day Ethiopia and Chile to Madagascar, have a monument—a rock, some hunk of bronze—that defines Kilometer Zero. In Havana they’ve got a diamond, a gift from the Tsar. Is it really so difficult, you pathetic Greek, for us to inform our own people just where exactly Kilometer Zero is? ‘I’m on my way, I’m at the hundred and third kilometer from Athens to Lamia.’ ‘Yes, but where?! Where is it?! Where are we measuring from?!’ What does ‘from Syntagma’ mean? My grandmother needs fifteen minutes just to cross ‘Syntagma’! In Seoul, the monument is actually 151 meters away from the exact Kilometer Zero. 151 meters! That’s more than the distance between two ends of a soccer field. Is that what we want? Is that who we are? Are we going to say that Kilometer Zero is here, when it’s really as far off as one goalie waving to the other?”

Smoking was prohibited in the taverna where we were seated, so some of us had gone outside for a cigarette. I went out and told them: “You’re missing it! Get back in here right now!” It’s not every day you get the chance to see your friend at the exact moment he completely loses it.

Read the rest of the translation at Exchanges, here.